Make it Rhyme: 2009

I'm writing this from the future. The year 2022. I've discovered the dumbest drafts that need to be accessible to the Internet for posterity and hope to return to a simpler time. 

A trend is sweeping the nation (from what I can tell).

In 2008, I noticed that many people used rhyming to help them come up with their New Year's resolutions. Below are some of the more popular rhyming resolutions of 2008:

• Find your mate: 2008
• Lose some weight: 2008
• Generally, be great: 2008
• Don't be late: 2008
• Reconnect with your high school friend, Kate: 2008

This trend can be extended into 2009.

• Be on time: 2009

Well, that's all I've come up with so far.

Wait a minute. 'Time' and 'nine' don't really rhyme.

How about:

• Help curb crime: 2009

More Better

In a flash of maturity one recent Saturday afternoon, I called Time Warner to remove Showtime and add HBO.  Everyone I know had been telling me that I would like the show Girls, and frankly, they were right.  Even Netflix knows that I tend to like Quirky TV Shows Featuring a Strong Female Lead.  For now, Girls would have to replace the relationship that I had been having with Dramatic Series Featuring Mysterious, Brooding Male Lead Who Has Secrets, One of those Secrets Having Something to Do with Killing People (i.e. Dexter and Homeland). 

I didn’t have to wait long before someone picked up the phone over at Time Warner, and I only got redirected to the main menu and then another person just once.  It was a pretty good start.  When the associate asked how she could help me, I explained the straightforward transaction that needed to take place.  She was so thrilled to add HBO for me that I almost felt happy for her.  Would she be as pumped to remove Showtime?  It wasn’t yet time to find out. 

Masterfully, she segued right into some additional getting-to-know-you chat.  She was curious to know how I use my Time Warner Internet service at home.  The game has to be played, so I humored her.  “I mostly use it for browsing.  I sometimes work from home.”  That was my exact answer, to which she responded, “Because you use the Internet to stream movies, let me tell you about our new Turbo Internet service.”  Her question, of course, was merely a formality.  She had my data right in front of her.  Still, I participated.  “No, thank you.” 

She continued to show an interest in me, with the next line of questioning involving my background and familiarity with land lines.  “My boyfriend and I use our cell phones at home.”  “Do you have a fax machine?  You mentioned that you work from home.”  God.  “No, I don’t have a fax machine.” 

Mercifully, we eventually reached the end of her list of services to pitch.  But what of removing Showtime, new friend?  She had accidentally jumped right to informing me of the new monthly charges with the addition of HBO.  “We actually still need to remove Showtime,” I reminded her.  And then she asked, "Have you seen Shameless?”  Surely she didn’t really think that we were close girlfriends gabbing on the phone on a Saturday afternoon about our favorite shows.  I was so surprised that I sort of laughed.  “No, I’ve never seen it.”  And then she said, “You should try watching it!  It’s just like Dexter!” 

She was enthusiastic, because the data clearly showed her that I am a Dexter-lover, and she must have felt like she won big with this personal connection.  I was mad.  Perhaps if this was 1994 and I was visiting my local Blockbuster, I might not feel as violated if a sales person were to ask me about my personal preferences for entertainment.  In modern times, even, I have no problem with Netflix using my data to steer me in the right direction when I’m overwhelmed and in need of a programming shaman.  But I don’t want this icky hybrid situation where my data is being used by a human in an attempt to get me to do things that I don’t want to do.  When is it appropriate to reference this data, and when is it not?  I can only imagine what my conversation would have been like if I had called to cancel Hustler HD On Demand.  “Have you seen Gooey International Creampies #5?  It’s just like Barely Legal: As Tight as a Teen!” 

Groundhog Day

Slush, slush.

I’m trudging through the sludge another morning.

Mush, mush.

The snooty hipsters soak their booties like fools.

Hush, hush.

He is sleeping, we are peeping at his filth.

Crush, crush.

Another Kleenex. When can we next see the sun?

Jane Seymour Butts

An American Girl... and her magazine subscriptions:

Highlights

YM

Seventeen

Vogue

W

Harper's Bazaar

American Theatre

Paste Magazine

Time Out New York

Vegetarian Times

Martha Stewart's Weddings....

Martha Stewart's LIVING

Am I predictable? A pawn being placed in my little squares until eventually I get AARP'd?

Sometimes I feel like I'm on the Truman show... but I'm not Truman.

A Prostitute Instead

During lunch I wrote this for my brother who is having job troubles. He just can't seem to get one...and keeps chasing after shitty opportunities that keep falling through (as shitty opportunites tend to do). This was meant to deftly suggest he should go back to school. With my bro, the less staightforward, the more straightforward...

If you were not a dude
but a prostitute
instead

Oprah would have you
on her show
and tell you plain

You are no two-bit hooker!
Though the past may
suggest otherwise

It is important to eat, to live
with sturdy roof
above your head

To work, to find pleasure
and contribute someting to our
long span of days

Don't jump and spin at every
bedazzled pimp
that looks your way and calls

Take a moment, maybe
a few more and think
about the fishnets

Crisscrossing your fine hooker
legs and begin to
imagine more

If you were not a dude
but a prostitute
instead

First steps would be (no pun)
profoundly hard and
wayward at every turn

The upper stratospheres
where the earners reign
quickly recedes

What more to do than throw
up your brightly polished
whore's thumb?

In defeat, and solicit the next
gorilla man with severe
doggy breathe

If you were not a dude,
but a prostitute
instead

You would already know there's no
great shame to hustle
for money alone,

But the price of the hustle
can quickly outweigh
the cost

Look. Close your eyes,
plug your nose
and jump in

To something big, bigger
than you and even your
supposed dreams

Dreams are flimsy anyway
by virtue of the fact they
occur every night

True. Life won't be a street corner
of bright lights, bending bodies
and cash.

(though it never really was)

There will be the slog
the deafening day
of stupidity

And the slow, painful ascent
that means learning
something new

But, then, there will quickening
a vivid imagining of an
unknowable future

Stretched out like a prairie plain
you in the middle, gripping some
shiny new tools

If you were not a dude,
but a prostitute
instead

It would take some bravery
and some small admissions that we cannot
know everything

(least of all ourselves)

But you can walk a long way
before coming to what you
already know

You are not a hooker
whoring yourself out to a someones
damaged whims

Move through the immovable space, move
away from the stiletto
break-neck heels

If you were not a dude,
but a prostitute
instead

Don Draper Moves into 3R

... and Peggy stops by for a visit. We're thrilled!